Last week I wrote a post with almost the same name. It’s funny that the two subjects I currently need to talk about happened to be homonyms. My hope is that these little pieces of my life can possibly help someone going through something similar or even someone going through something different can find something to learn from my story.
***Disclaimer: This is a post discussing a mature subject matter. It will contain references to sex but not in an erotic or inappropriate way. But is not generally meant for children under the age of understanding to read.***
This has been a post I have been wanting to write for a while. I have been waiting on the timing to be right and feel that some of the lessons the Lord has been teaching me lately have helped some of it to come into focus. So the time has come to share. At the end of November, I shared a story from my recent dating endeavors at the end of that particular post I shared a rather intimate detail about my life. I at the age of 33 am in fact still a virgin. When I was 13 years old I made a commitment to save myself for my husband. Honestly, at 13, I hadn't started my period yet so hormones were barely kicking in and I was probably thinking to wait until marriage only meant waiting about 7 to 10 years. Now here I am 20 years later still waiting. I am thankful to the Lord that it has not been as difficult to wait as it could have been. Part of the reason I shared my story about my weight loss journey is that it does add a little information to what I am about to share. I am about to be very vulnerable but I feel it is important for other women out there to know they are not alone in the battle they may be fighting thinking they are the only woman with this struggle. Since I was a teenager my weight has been an issue and as I said in my post about my weight I mentioned that I had other health issues that came with the weight I have been carrying around with me. One of those issues was that my hormones have not been properly balanced most of my life. Which meant I didn't have regular periods. But it also affected something I never realized I had until a few months ago when the weight started coming off and my health issues were dissipating. In early October I started dating and that timing was not accidental. I have never really had a consistent desire to date in my life. It would ebb and flow. But in October I suddenly had the drive to find someone to connect to and get to know. Seriously I am trying to be subtle but it wasn't fully a drive to a conversation but more a drive for intimacy. In woman speak intimacy comes with a connection but I wanted for the first time in my life to have the action beyond that connection. I wanted the physical expression. I found out part of the reason for the timing was that well I was ovulating and my drive for physical intimacy was partly driven but my body's hormones finally telling me that it was time. So the timing of me starting to date may not have entirely been driven by a desire to meet someone as much as to well, get some. Now a 20-year-old commitment doesn't fly out the window at the first hint of a sex drive. I have managed to with the help of the Lord and some amazing accountability keep my heart and my virtue intact. But the last few months have not been easy and I have had to navigate a virtual minefield of temptation as well as learning to control my thought life. I am sad to say I have not always been perfect at this. My own strength and resolve are not as strong as I wish they were. Although no physical line has been crossed I have not always had control over my thoughts or even on one or two occasions my words. I have chosen to allow conversations to go too far and get too intimate while talking to some of my matches. I have also not always been good about controlling my thought life, that can lead to fantasy. This is a struggle that if I don't keep it in constant submission to the Lord can cause me to cross the line or to objectify a man who should never be treated as anything but a son of God. I have no right to think any thoughts of intimacy about any man until I have been given the right to do so on the day I marry him and take his name. At that point, I can give myself completely to him. But not before.
Now I want to share a little more about something the Lord has been talking to me about. When I first started this whole dating thing one of the first things I began to do was to question my desire to wait. Most of my friends had chosen to wait but I also have plenty of friends that did not. In this society where morality is treated as relative, I do stand by the Word of God and consider the Bible as absolute in my life. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't really treat it any other way. So although I considered the possibility of sex outside of marriage I knew choosing to act on it would absolutely be a sin. Also no matter how much my body and hormones wanted physical intimacy they were fighting a 20-year commitment which is not easily forgotten. I found that I was constantly being offered the opportunity to consider changing my stance. On several occasions, I began to entertain the thoughts of doing so. There are at least two specific occasions that come to mind where I think if situations had been timed just a little bit differently this would be a very different story because I very likely would have crossed or at least strongly considered crossing that line. The Lord has been very faithful and His timing has been perfect as always. I trust Him completely to protect both my virtue and my heart. Because He has proven Himself capable despite my choices. About two weeks ago I found out the main reason my virtue has been under attack lately. Every year the Lord is very clear about what my word for the year is going to be and for me this year that word is Breakthrough. There are a lot of areas that I am in need of a breakthrough in because I have been at the cusp of change for a while now. So when I had a full-on breakdown that day two weeks ago, I was clinging to the word the Lord had given to me. While I was journaling about it the Lord gave me an understanding of why breakthrough and what it has to do with this subject. Well, when a woman is intimate with a man for the first time in her life there is a breakthrough that happens in that moment of intimacy. It is very significant and although painful it bonds them in that moment body and soul. That is fully intentional by the Lord it is the blood that is shed during that moment that is meant to seal the covenant of marriage the act of intimacy is supposed to consummate. When the Lord started speaking to me about this I realized He wanted me to understand a couple things. One was that my virginity is not my own to choose to do with what I like it is meant to seal that covenant of marriage on the day I enter into that covenant. The second thing the Lord was telling me is that He wanted to have that level of intimacy with me. For so long all the distractions of the physical world and the other lovers trying to woo my heart had begun to distract me from building an intimate relationship with Him. So many things have been shifting in my life since then. As I have submitted my heart to the Lord and sought out that intimacy with Him I have begun to hear His voice again. I have been able to reorient in so many places that I truly felt so lost. I am so thankful that He knows me so well and has been the protector of my heart. I truly know that He is the one place I know my heart will be the safest. I am really bad at protecting it by myself. Thanksgiving alone proves that. So my heart is safely in the hands of its Creator being wooed by Him! I am learning to see God more as my Groom in this season of my life. It is my season to learn how to be His bride! I think in that in this refining process I will learn how to one day be a bride to the man the Lord has for me. I look forward to getting to know that man and to one day being his wife. Until then I will continue to fall deeper in love with my Creator. His love is deep and will never leave me empty.
This is all part of my journey. I am doing my best to become the best version of myself! Although I am often making mistakes it is learning from those mistakes that truly helps me grow and become better! I am not perfect and I never will be. I honestly never aspire to be perfect either living with unrealistic expectations is no way to really live one's life. It is a really great way to set yourself up for failure and be constantly falling short. I know that even on my best day my righteousness will be little more than dirty rags. I am thankful for the sacrifice that was made so that I can have a relationship with the Living God! Part of the reason I bring this up is that even if I had chosen to cross that line I still would have shared my thoughts on this subject it just would have been addressed differently. Because I have in fact crossed different lines in the past that are equal to that of having sex outside of marriage. There is no one sin that is worse than another. The reason sex is such a specific sin that it is often condemned stronger than others is that it is an act that not only requires two people to be involved but it is partly because there are often so many consequences that stem from that intimacy outside of a marriage relationship and I am not talking about a baby. Every time we engage in sex it is meant to be a reinforcement of the covenant of marriage it is meant to form a deeper bond with your lover. So even when we treat it as casual that doesn't stop a connection from being made on a deep level. When we connect on such an intimate level with a person especially if we know little to nothing about them, we are opening our lives up to everything they carry in them spiritually and emotionally. We are opening our souls to one another and connecting them for the rest of our lives. These are all things that the sacrifice I spoke of above does cover. There is nothing that can hold us back from freedom when we submit our lives and ourselves to God to be redeemed by the sacrifice made for that freedom. Just like the freedom in the US was paid for by the lives of men and women who chose to serve. The price to purify our sin and bring us true freedom from the consequences of that sin has already been paid. I have found freedom from the consequences of my choices again and again. You can also find that freedom. If you want to know more I would be glad to share more. Reach out to me through the contact form on my website those emails go to me and only me. I will email you back or if you want to talk to me I will see what I can do to make some time to talk with you on the phone or through social media messaging.